I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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