my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
