sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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