new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize