I think I won the penis lottery.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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