the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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