Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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