Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
