last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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