Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
