Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
