2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
