Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
