have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize