I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
