i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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