that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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