when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize