How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
