plz talk dirty to me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
