was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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