I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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