I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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