It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize