Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
