i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize