Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize