Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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