At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
