yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
