Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
