I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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