okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
