wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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