People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
