I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
