I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
