every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
