shes about as inviting as chlamydia
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
