At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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