We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
