you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
