Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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