He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
