Betty ford says i'm here all night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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