Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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