Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
