In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
