the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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