I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize