Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
