I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
