Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
