Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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