I didn't shave. On purpose
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
