And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We had sex on a dog bed..
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize