Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
