someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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