So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
