Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
