Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
