sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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