I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
