She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
