I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like abortions should bother me more
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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