I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
