dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize