I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
