The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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