the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
